Tools, tips, and musings related to all things therapy and mental health.
“If over time more and more of a person’s true values become replaced by values taken and borrowed from others but perceived to be their own, the self will become a house divided against itself. They will feel as if they do not really know who they are and what they want.”
- Calvin S. Hall & Gardner Lindzey
News flash: You don't find the perfect career. You CREATE your perfect career.
One of the biggest patterns I've picked up in my own work with clients is that most people simply accept their roles at face value. They resign themselves to what their managers tell them to do. They feel like they have to "settle" until they finally land their dream job. They never think to negotiate a role, because that's not how it works, right?
Actually, it is…
Two weeks ago I had my first group supervision as a new Marriage & Family Therapy Trainee at The Center for Professional Counseling. As we discussed each of our clients with my new supervisor - whose thick accent and provocative metaphors makes me feel like I have my very own personal Esther Perel - one of her comments regarding a client stuck with me pretty strongly: "This is a time that we all regress."
A pretty bold statement; and yet it also felt like it hit the nail exactly on the head…
Clients often come to me in the middle of a big decision: whether or not to pursue a career change, go back to school, accept a certain offer, etc.
First, I encourage you to destroy the idea that you will ever "know" with 100% certainty what you should do next, or that there is one "right" direction at all. However, there are decisions and lives that will feel more fulfilling, authentic, and satisfying than others, and there are many different ways of tapping the information and intelligence that will guide you closer to them.
We call these different ways of knowing…
Perhaps by now you're familiar with one of my favorite quotes pasted across my email signature, website and more:
"The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind." - David W. Orr.
It was an important mantra for me during a time in which I was considering the next chapter in my career, and it was one of the first times I truly recognized that to be "successful" - a quality and condition of worth we've been taught to chase our whole lives - by itself doesn't necessarily serve anything other than our own ego. As Alok, himself, asserts in his talk: "Success is about self-promotion, not putting change into motion."
A few years ago I quit my job and bought a a one-way ticket to backpack across Europe and Southeast Asia. The #1 thing I learned in my travels? Always ask a local.
When it comes to planning, I've personally always been pretty Type A - spending months on research ahead of time, digging my nose into book after book, and blocking off my schedule by the hour in attempt to to squeeze as much as I possibly could into the ten short days I got of vacation a year. But some of the best-kept secrets and memorable moments can’t be planned for. In fact, it can almost be detrimental to finalize all your planning before you reach your destination. You can end up missing out on quite a lot!
If you’re looking for a major shortcut, it’s the locals know the tourist traps from the hidden gems, the scenic routes that don't come up on the quickest route from A to B on Google Maps, and - every so often if you’re lucky - the person who can give you the most authentic history of the country or the family who can cook you the best meal and actually invite you in.
The same thing goes for your career.
Many of my clients often fear making a decision or a taking a leap because of the countless times they’ve been excited about a role or position, only to realize that the reality is not what they expected to be. But there are tons of people out doing the very things you want to do with a rich understanding of what it takes to get there, just waiting to be tapped. They'll help you understand the subtle differences between what you think a job involves on paper, and what the actual day-to-day is like. What you think you need to do to get to different points along the route toward your destination, and the connections and shortcuts that might make your life a whole lot easier. They’ll often even expose you to opportunities you may not have even considered or been aware of before!
Others of you often express feeling nervous about reaching out for informational interviews because you feel like you're taking up someone's time, you don't know enough about what they do, or it feels too "schmoozy," and so on and so on. But when you reframe networking as simply asking for directions, informational interviewing and asking others for advice is really just one more arm to a beautiful web of human connection we have to give and take from. Most people have and continue to do the exact same thing to find their own directions, and actually enjoy the opportunity to share and pay it forward. And don’t forget that one day you’ll have the opportunity to do so, too!
Finally, and most importantly, the more you approach people in your field from a genuine place of curiosity and interest - for advice rather than out of desperation - more often than you might expect they actually do end up being the ones who provide that final link to get you in. Regardless of the outcome, your career, just like your life, is one big, beautiful adventure. You have the opportunity to meet a lot of beautiful souls along the way - take it while you can.
Last week was the final week of the White Fragility discussion group I organized during the initial stages of protests sparked by George Floyd’s death. As we begin to see this movement take up a smaller and smaller percentage of our news and social media space again, I thought it would be a nice time to share just a few of the highlights, as well as how a few people personally chose to answer the question that is still very much on everyone’s mind: What else can I “do”?
One of the biggest things I do when helping coach people in career transitions it to help them set and keep them accountable to their goals. The first is the really big goal - I sometimes call it the "dream" - what do you want in life and what direction are you headed - which in and of itself has many steps to get to.
“Never feel guilty for taking your full lunch break, needing a mental health day, or using your vacation time. Make time for yourself now because you won’t get that time back.”
For many of us this can be just as relevant now, in the middle of a pandemic, as it is when things are "normal." If you are working from home or trying to fill your time at home, are you allowing yourself to take real breaks? Or have you let work bleed earlier and later into your mornings and evenings because you no longer have the boundaries set by your normal routine?
I came across a meme that made me laugh the other day:
“How can psychology majors be depressed…bro, just look at your notes.”
In reality though, psychology students and yes, even your therapist, still have stuff they work through, and yes, even sometimes still struggle with their own mental health battles.
Sometimes I feel like we've started to use the term "mindfulness" so much we start to gloss over it - which you have to admit is a little ironic, given that that's the exact opposite of its intent.
Think about it - the last time you saw something that said "be present," did you actually pause, take a step back, and savor the moment you were in? Kudos if you did, but if you're like most of us, you probably just kept scrolling.
It can be all too easy to unconsciously define ourselves by our careers. I'm a "doctor," an "artist," a "founder," an "engineer"...
In a lot of ways our careers do reflect a lot about who we are and can give us an incredible amount of personal purpose. But at the end of the day, you are not an [insert role]. You are [insert name].
The very first journaling exercise I have people in my Intentional Careering program do is answer: Why are you where you are today?
Sounds simple right? But have you really thought deeply about it? Is where you are today a result of intentional action, or lack of action? What choices along the way did you make with the best information you had, or the best intentions you had at the time? And if you're feeling unsatisfied, why? What part of you is confused? What answers are you still looking for?
“Some people spend their whole lives in love with the idea of who a person could become, and fail to see who they are.” - Mark Groves
I think this actually goes two ways...So often when we date people for their "potential," we miss seeing and wholeheartedly loving who they are - inside and out - as they are. If we are not willing to do that, then we simply aren't in the right relationship in the first place.
Have you ever been kinda annoyed at the people (let's be real, probably including me) who always tell you "nothing is permanent"? Ok, maybe it's just me...but honestly, when you're feeling a certain way (sad, anxious, lonely...) it can be so hard to think of it changing anytime soon. That is, until you actually watch it happen...
Try it: Keep a log of all of your emotions or moods throughout the day today. Set a timer, check in once every hour or so, and write down how you currently feel.
You don't need to analyze it or try and figure out where you were and what you were doing that caused a certain emotion (certainly extra credit if you want!) You simply need to notice. How did your emotions change - how did they flow in and flow out - throughout the day?
Next time you're dealing with a difficult emotion, does reminding yourself that it's not permanent feel any different? Can you embrace the more challenging emotions as part of a full palette of paint? 🎨
Disclaimer: While occasionally I include research and insights from my graduate classes in clinical psychology on my blog, I am not at this time a licensed therapist or mental health provider and therefore no content on this blog or website should not be considered or serve as replacement for therapeutic advice.
Kim (Bielak) Slipski, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
![[Poem] For you to see beauty here...](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5bf62e76e749407fea38acb3/1590029698349-SK0NTCFCL8Q9W40OZEI3/kimbielak_95566205_129168745411232_5138079245121308938_n.jpg)
