Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
When I think about the end of the year, one of two images comes to mind:
Frantic. Holiday. Rush. Overcommitted schedules, cycling between hosting, attending, and recovering. End-of-year deadlines. Overwhelming family dynamics. Impossible parking near any shopping center. And nervous breakdowns - probably more than one.
or…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
Oftentimes in session when I slow my clients down just enough to actually notice and stay with their body, there is something there, just below the surface.
Sometimes it's emotion - tears, grief, anger, pain. Sometimes it's even a part - any indication of imperfection they are afraid to accept, or an identity that's unsafe to express...
The greatest weapon against stress is the ability to choose one thought over another.
- William James
A lot of therapeutic approaches - from cognitive-behavioral therapy to narrative therapy - employ the same powerful insight: our reality is created by the stories we see it through.
When we choose to see all we have, rather than all we don't have yet, we live in a different world. When we choose to see a challenge as an opportunity rather than a calamity, we take different actions.
In fact, our interpretation of any given event can change our response all the way down to the biological level! One perspective can send us straight into fight or flight - heart pounding, palms, sweating, shallow breath - while just a small reframe suddenly allow our nervous system to remain calm, grounded and open to new experience. This is, quite literally, the power of a thought.
So next time you find yourself feeling triggered by a situation, step back ask: What is the story I'm telling myself? What might be different if I chose to see it a different way?
For me it started with the "honors track." The pressure to succeed never came from my parents - in fact, every time I was offered the option of testing for GATE, signing up for my first set of honors classes, or trying out for the varsity sport, my mom called around to check if it was even the right thing to do. She didn't want me to lose my childhood. She just wanted me to be a happy kid.
Two weeks ago I had my first group supervision as a new Marriage & Family Therapy Trainee at The Center for Professional Counseling. As we discussed each of our clients with my new supervisor - whose thick accent and provocative metaphors makes me feel like I have my very own personal Esther Perel - one of her comments regarding a client stuck with me pretty strongly: "This is a time that we all regress."
A pretty bold statement; and yet it also felt like it hit the nail exactly on the head…
Perhaps by now you're familiar with one of my favorite quotes pasted across my email signature, website and more:
"The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind." - David W. Orr.
It was an important mantra for me during a time in which I was considering the next chapter in my career, and it was one of the first times I truly recognized that to be "successful" - a quality and condition of worth we've been taught to chase our whole lives - by itself doesn't necessarily serve anything other than our own ego. As Alok, himself, asserts in his talk: "Success is about self-promotion, not putting change into motion."
“Never feel guilty for taking your full lunch break, needing a mental health day, or using your vacation time. Make time for yourself now because you won’t get that time back.”
For many of us this can be just as relevant now, in the middle of a pandemic, as it is when things are "normal." If you are working from home or trying to fill your time at home, are you allowing yourself to take real breaks? Or have you let work bleed earlier and later into your mornings and evenings because you no longer have the boundaries set by your normal routine?
Sometimes I feel like we've started to use the term "mindfulness" so much we start to gloss over it - which you have to admit is a little ironic, given that that's the exact opposite of its intent.
Think about it - the last time you saw something that said "be present," did you actually pause, take a step back, and savor the moment you were in? Kudos if you did, but if you're like most of us, you probably just kept scrolling.
Have you ever been kinda annoyed at the people (let's be real, probably including me) who always tell you "nothing is permanent"? Ok, maybe it's just me...but honestly, when you're feeling a certain way (sad, anxious, lonely...) it can be so hard to think of it changing anytime soon. That is, until you actually watch it happen...
Try it: Keep a log of all of your emotions or moods throughout the day today. Set a timer, check in once every hour or so, and write down how you currently feel.
You don't need to analyze it or try and figure out where you were and what you were doing that caused a certain emotion (certainly extra credit if you want!) You simply need to notice. How did your emotions change - how did they flow in and flow out - throughout the day?
Next time you're dealing with a difficult emotion, does reminding yourself that it's not permanent feel any different? Can you embrace the more challenging emotions as part of a full palette of paint? 🎨
Disclaimer: While occasionally I include research and insights from my graduate classes in clinical psychology on my blog, I am not at this time a licensed therapist or mental health provider and therefore no content on this blog or website should not be considered or serve as replacement for therapeutic advice.
Easily one of my favorite mantra’s from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. The question is: Do you want an easy life, or do you want an interesting one?
I always find it interesting that no matter what advances we make in technology, productivity, and even standards of living, we somehow only use them to find a way to work more, rather than less. Our companies have become more competitive and often create a culture of fire drills, staying late, and answering emails at night and over the weekend. Even our "leisure time" has become productive - whether it be a side hustle, something we can post on Instagram, or meditating 20 minutes twice a day because we're told it makes us better.
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
