Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
“If over time more and more of a person’s true values become replaced by values taken and borrowed from others but perceived to be their own, the self will become a house divided against itself. They will feel as if they do not really know who they are and what they want.”
- Calvin S. Hall & Gardner Lindzey
News flash: You don't find the perfect career. You CREATE your perfect career.
One of the biggest patterns I've picked up in my own work with clients is that most people simply accept their roles at face value. They resign themselves to what their managers tell them to do. They feel like they have to "settle" until they finally land their dream job. They never think to negotiate a role, because that's not how it works, right?
Actually, it is…
Clients often come to me in the middle of a big decision: whether or not to pursue a career change, go back to school, accept a certain offer, etc.
First, I encourage you to destroy the idea that you will ever "know" with 100% certainty what you should do next, or that there is one "right" direction at all. However, there are decisions and lives that will feel more fulfilling, authentic, and satisfying than others, and there are many different ways of tapping the information and intelligence that will guide you closer to them.
We call these different ways of knowing…
Perhaps by now you're familiar with one of my favorite quotes pasted across my email signature, website and more:
"The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind." - David W. Orr.
It was an important mantra for me during a time in which I was considering the next chapter in my career, and it was one of the first times I truly recognized that to be "successful" - a quality and condition of worth we've been taught to chase our whole lives - by itself doesn't necessarily serve anything other than our own ego. As Alok, himself, asserts in his talk: "Success is about self-promotion, not putting change into motion."
It can be all too easy to unconsciously define ourselves by our careers. I'm a "doctor," an "artist," a "founder," an "engineer"...
In a lot of ways our careers do reflect a lot about who we are and can give us an incredible amount of personal purpose. But at the end of the day, you are not an [insert role]. You are [insert name].
The very first journaling exercise I have people in my Intentional Careering program do is answer: Why are you where you are today?
Sounds simple right? But have you really thought deeply about it? Is where you are today a result of intentional action, or lack of action? What choices along the way did you make with the best information you had, or the best intentions you had at the time? And if you're feeling unsatisfied, why? What part of you is confused? What answers are you still looking for?
I often like to ask people I'm coaching: Which of these looks like a more interesting life when you step back at the end of it?
Because many of us have been conditioned for so long in binary and linear thinking, we hate the idea of life as a "jungle gym." We want to get to the "top" of our ladders - to that very small square inch we consider "success" - and we want to get there now…
Questioning where you're ultimately headed in your career? The ikigai is an exercise I did when trying to figure out the next direction in my own. Here’s how you can, too:
Create a Venn Diagram with 4 overlapping circles (I admit 4 is messy, so recommend using a cup to aid your artwork!) Label each circle with the following…
Build your career around your lifestyle, not your lifestyle around your career.
Have you ever stopped long enough to consider the difference? When we grow up with the question what, rather than who, we want to be when we grow up, it can become easy to conflate the career we want with the lifestyle we want without really realizing it. In fact, the career you want and the lifestyle you want can be really different, and when they come in conflict, intentional choices and compromises sometimes have to be made.
While I’ve been hesitant to add more to the current conversation around Coronavirus for many reasons, not least that I am not an expert, and I am especially not an expert on the wide range of ways people from all walks of life are being affected, as I’ve taken call after call these past couple weeks, it has become clear that between layoffs, hiring freezes, and the great uncertainties of how to plan around so many unknowns, we could all use a few more words of hope and comfort as it relates to the future right now, especially those of whose careers are currently up in the air. While I have encouraged many who have been able to keep their jobs and work from home to use this time for more intentional planning and personal reflection, for many in the middle of a transition already this may simply not be a reality. And so I wanted to offer just a few thoughts that I hope will help some of you who are feeling the weight of a changing job market, even if they cannot necessarily speak perfectly to all.
Something I’ve been reflecting on quite a bit recently (yes, also in light of reading Designing Your Life), is my life’s “mission.” The thing that drives the choices I make in everything from my career to my free time, and I have to say, it never fails to be incredibly motivating every time I return to it.
In my Intentional Careering course, I have our exercises culminate into a final “career” mission statement, which serves as a guide to provide direction and inspiration, but is also flexible enough to apply to many potential roles (including the one you might currently be stuck in). I generally propose coming to one by putting together your personal strengths and unique gifts with a greater aim or goal.
But I’ve recently been taking it one level higher and more largely framing the mission of my life - a statement of intent that reflects my fundamental beliefs about the world, a framework under which my work and the rest of my life falls, and an idea that captures how I personally view the meaning of my life (for now, anyhow)…
I recently picked up a copy of Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans - in part because it felt like a slightly more inspirational balance to some of my heavier reading in grad school, and in part because I thought it would be a helpful resource to eventually offer others or integrate into my lil’ career course.
I was excited to return to some of the exercises I had done throughout my whole quarterlife crisis, such as really intentionally outlining what my priorities were (i.e. work, relationships, health, spirituality…) and making sure they were in balance, but as I opened the book I found myself thinking: “Haven’t I done this already?”
Yes both optimists and pessimists alike have tended to earn bad reputations in different ways over time - from the Debbie Downer or cynical New Yorker scrooging through life, to the Pollyanna type that gets into trouble for being unrealistic and naive.
But when we dig a little deeper into the actual differences in mindset between more optimistic people and more pessimistic ones, we start to see how we, too, are constantly choosing between the subtle differences in these approaches in our everyday challenges and decisions, and just how tangible the effects of two very different perspectives can have on our greater lives.
One of the topics I found to be most valuable in our Positive Psychology class this semester was an exploration in both identifying and building on human strengths.
Most of you who have taken at least an intro psych class are likely familiar with the DSM, used as a manual for cataloging and diagnosing mental disorders as identified and defined today. However, when Martin Seligman (the “father of positive psychology”) called for the revival of the previously neglected positive aspects of the field, he and and Christopher Peterson came up with a classification of strengths and virtues to directly counterbalance the DSM’s focus on human deficits and afflictions.
I’ve spent the last several months pouring over research, trialing out various activities and “interventions,” and writing dozens of journal entries, papers and reflections in a graduate course called “The Science and Application of Positive Psychology” offered through Harvard.
Still in the midst of a quarter-life crisis and career change, I signed up for the class because I knew I wanted to pursue a path somewhere in this large and mushy arena they called “positive psychology.” I was also so energized by my yoga teacher training and recent explorations in self care, mindfulness and meditation, that I developed an insatiable desire to learn and understand all the science and theory that was out there behind it.
“Sometimes it’s ok to just be on time.”
Have you ever stopped long enough to notice that for some reason we’re always in this huge rush? If we’re not rushing to get to the top of the ladder, we’re rushing to have kids and get them to piano, or rushing through yoga to check it off the list. It’s as if the narrative we’ve been told for so long to “get ahead” has birthed this silent pressure looming overhead, regardless of what we're doing. But the more we rush to fit “more” in, the less we’re actually present enough to enjoy any of it.
Whether we feel stuck or perhaps afraid of change, it only takes a step back to realize just how inevitable a force - far bigger than us and far beyond our control - change is.
When I came back home after just a few months of immersive soul-seeking, self-defining, view-shattering travel, I felt like an entirely different person. But it soon became clear that I wasn’t the only one who changed. I came home to find myself packed between moving boxes in friends’ apartments, introducing myself to new boyfriends and fiances, finding out about new buns in the oven, and congratulating others on new jobs.
Have you ever taken a big enough step back to actually look at what definition of success is driving you? Maybe you’ve always just assumed it was the top of your career path. Recognition. Family. Money. Early retirement.
What if your definition of success was simply to be happy? Would you be doing as good of a job at it as you are in your day job right now? Would you need to keep chasing something 10 out?
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
