Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
If I just say the words "awkward silence," can you already start to feel the subtle discomfort begin to creep up through your body? The compulsion to already devise the quickest route to escape it? The anxiety, self consciousness, and existential dread that perhaps this painful experience will never come to an end…
As much as we want to be as productive as we can throughout the week, the unfortunate truth is our bodies are constantly going through cycles - whether it's our daily cortisol levels, monthly hormonal levels, or simply being an unexpected space cadet after a couple hours of energy-draining work. So while we might make valiant attempts to squeeze in that side hustle after work or read something dense every night before bed, we often get there only to find we're "not in the mood”…
“If over time more and more of a person’s true values become replaced by values taken and borrowed from others but perceived to be their own, the self will become a house divided against itself. They will feel as if they do not really know who they are and what they want.”
- Calvin S. Hall & Gardner Lindzey
Sometimes I feel like we've started to use the term "mindfulness" so much we start to gloss over it - which you have to admit is a little ironic, given that that's the exact opposite of its intent.
Think about it - the last time you saw something that said "be present," did you actually pause, take a step back, and savor the moment you were in? Kudos if you did, but if you're like most of us, you probably just kept scrolling.
Easily one of my favorite mantra’s from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. The question is: Do you want an easy life, or do you want an interesting one?
I was getting coffee with another therapist several weeks ago and as I attempted to glean some advice about my future she asked me: "Where are you right now?"
At first I tried to explain that I was still just in my second quarter of grad school, and when that wasn't the right answer, I tried explaining where I was more mentally and emotionally - pretty happy with where I currently am in life, feeling like I made the right choice switching careers, etc.
Something I’ve been reflecting on quite a bit recently (yes, also in light of reading Designing Your Life), is my life’s “mission.” The thing that drives the choices I make in everything from my career to my free time, and I have to say, it never fails to be incredibly motivating every time I return to it.
In my Intentional Careering course, I have our exercises culminate into a final “career” mission statement, which serves as a guide to provide direction and inspiration, but is also flexible enough to apply to many potential roles (including the one you might currently be stuck in). I generally propose coming to one by putting together your personal strengths and unique gifts with a greater aim or goal.
But I’ve recently been taking it one level higher and more largely framing the mission of my life - a statement of intent that reflects my fundamental beliefs about the world, a framework under which my work and the rest of my life falls, and an idea that captures how I personally view the meaning of my life (for now, anyhow)…
Yes both optimists and pessimists alike have tended to earn bad reputations in different ways over time - from the Debbie Downer or cynical New Yorker scrooging through life, to the Pollyanna type that gets into trouble for being unrealistic and naive.
But when we dig a little deeper into the actual differences in mindset between more optimistic people and more pessimistic ones, we start to see how we, too, are constantly choosing between the subtle differences in these approaches in our everyday challenges and decisions, and just how tangible the effects of two very different perspectives can have on our greater lives.
Whether it’s New Year’s or the middle of summer, or whether you’ve formally written them down or not, chances are you have more than a few goals in your life. And they’re incredibly important: they give us a sense of purpose and direction, they reflect our unique senses of identity, and they help us to grow and achieve tangible progress throughout life.
But not all goals are created equal.
We wasted no time in diving deeper into some of the central questions and themes surrounding happiness and ongoing happiness research in Week 2 of Harvard’s “The Science and Application of Positive Psychology.”
While it may sound like a simple subject, let’s start with just a couple thought starters:
Are you happy? Are you happy “enough”? Are you as happy as you want to be?
If your definition of “success” was simply to be happy, how would you be doing?
Should happiness be the main goal at all? What about the Zen idea of “transcending” happiness, rather than maximizing it?
I’ve spent the last several months pouring over research, trialing out various activities and “interventions,” and writing dozens of journal entries, papers and reflections in a graduate course called “The Science and Application of Positive Psychology” offered through Harvard.
Still in the midst of a quarter-life crisis and career change, I signed up for the class because I knew I wanted to pursue a path somewhere in this large and mushy arena they called “positive psychology.” I was also so energized by my yoga teacher training and recent explorations in self care, mindfulness and meditation, that I developed an insatiable desire to learn and understand all the science and theory that was out there behind it.
“Sometimes it’s ok to just be on time.”
Have you ever stopped long enough to notice that for some reason we’re always in this huge rush? If we’re not rushing to get to the top of the ladder, we’re rushing to have kids and get them to piano, or rushing through yoga to check it off the list. It’s as if the narrative we’ve been told for so long to “get ahead” has birthed this silent pressure looming overhead, regardless of what we're doing. But the more we rush to fit “more” in, the less we’re actually present enough to enjoy any of it.
Without the rain there’d be no rainbow, no flowers, no spring. And what an incredible reminder the thriving blossoms and brilliant colors of California’s super bloom have been of just that this year.
According to Snyder’s Hope Theory, the way we approach the roadblocks in our lives, and the way that we use “pathways thinking” - or the the ability to see multiple routes around a setback or what might sometimes feel like a brick wall - is critical to our sense of hope. While often frustrating (especially when out of our control) it is often these exact moments that usually grow us the most - when we’re required to jump just a little bit higher than we’re used to, stretch ourselves in a new area, or forge some new neural connection.
And, in fact, it’s actually pretty amazing. You can think back to a past romance and the butterflies come straight back. Or you can recall a former loss and that awful feeling in your pit of your stomach will still physically manifest. I often talk about muscle memory in my own classes as a form of building habits in our practice, but really, the body is remembering much more than just the physical position it’s in and the muscles that are engaged.
One of the highlights of my past year was coming home to California. But, while a an escape from the long winters back East was a welcome change, it was far from the only reason.
According to Nobel prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman, while we might expect climate to have a greater impact on well-being, overall life satisfaction as reported by people in California is actually no different than that of people in the Midwest. But Kahneman also suggests that one who has recently moved to California will respond quite differently.
“If, when swimming, you are caught in a strong current, it is fatal to resist. You must swim with it and gradually edge to the side. One who falls from a height with stiff limbs will break them, but if he relaxes like a cat he will fall safely. A building without “give” in its structure will easily collapse in storm or earthquake, and a car without the cushioning of tires and springs will soon come apart on the road.” - Alan Watts
People often talk about the road less traveled because of its wild unknown, a unadulterated challenge whose pursuit is worth the reward.
But sometimes I wonder if many of these paths are less taken not because they’re harder, but simply because their great beauty is often lost on us. Right beneath our noses, yet never enough for our ever increasing preoccupations with the hustle and bustle of our busy lives.
Whether we feel stuck or perhaps afraid of change, it only takes a step back to realize just how inevitable a force - far bigger than us and far beyond our control - change is.
When I came back home after just a few months of immersive soul-seeking, self-defining, view-shattering travel, I felt like an entirely different person. But it soon became clear that I wasn’t the only one who changed. I came home to find myself packed between moving boxes in friends’ apartments, introducing myself to new boyfriends and fiances, finding out about new buns in the oven, and congratulating others on new jobs.
Did you know that if you chase a rainbow, you’ll never actually be able to catch it? It’s an optical illusion based on your viewpoint - quite literally your perspective.
As you move closer, it will just keep getting farther away (I know, I’ve tried it!) And so, too, are many of our other “chases” in life. As we get close to reaching whatever we think will finally make us happy, we find that in our new location, our destination has only moved farther out. So we learn the hard way that the “pot of gold” at the end - things like money or achievements or whatever it may be - often lead to a never-ending cycle, and a never-ending chase.
Have you ever taken a big enough step back to actually look at what definition of success is driving you? Maybe you’ve always just assumed it was the top of your career path. Recognition. Family. Money. Early retirement.
What if your definition of success was simply to be happy? Would you be doing as good of a job at it as you are in your day job right now? Would you need to keep chasing something 10 out?
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
