Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
“If over time more and more of a person’s true values become replaced by values taken and borrowed from others but perceived to be their own, the self will become a house divided against itself. They will feel as if they do not really know who they are and what they want.”
- Calvin S. Hall & Gardner Lindzey
Perhaps by now you're familiar with one of my favorite quotes pasted across my email signature, website and more:
"The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind." - David W. Orr.
It was an important mantra for me during a time in which I was considering the next chapter in my career, and it was one of the first times I truly recognized that to be "successful" - a quality and condition of worth we've been taught to chase our whole lives - by itself doesn't necessarily serve anything other than our own ego. As Alok, himself, asserts in his talk: "Success is about self-promotion, not putting change into motion."
Something I’ve been reflecting on quite a bit recently (yes, also in light of reading Designing Your Life), is my life’s “mission.” The thing that drives the choices I make in everything from my career to my free time, and I have to say, it never fails to be incredibly motivating every time I return to it.
In my Intentional Careering course, I have our exercises culminate into a final “career” mission statement, which serves as a guide to provide direction and inspiration, but is also flexible enough to apply to many potential roles (including the one you might currently be stuck in). I generally propose coming to one by putting together your personal strengths and unique gifts with a greater aim or goal.
But I’ve recently been taking it one level higher and more largely framing the mission of my life - a statement of intent that reflects my fundamental beliefs about the world, a framework under which my work and the rest of my life falls, and an idea that captures how I personally view the meaning of my life (for now, anyhow)…
I’ve spent the last several months pouring over research, trialing out various activities and “interventions,” and writing dozens of journal entries, papers and reflections in a graduate course called “The Science and Application of Positive Psychology” offered through Harvard.
Still in the midst of a quarter-life crisis and career change, I signed up for the class because I knew I wanted to pursue a path somewhere in this large and mushy arena they called “positive psychology.” I was also so energized by my yoga teacher training and recent explorations in self care, mindfulness and meditation, that I developed an insatiable desire to learn and understand all the science and theory that was out there behind it.
“Sometimes it’s ok to just be on time.”
Have you ever stopped long enough to notice that for some reason we’re always in this huge rush? If we’re not rushing to get to the top of the ladder, we’re rushing to have kids and get them to piano, or rushing through yoga to check it off the list. It’s as if the narrative we’ve been told for so long to “get ahead” has birthed this silent pressure looming overhead, regardless of what we're doing. But the more we rush to fit “more” in, the less we’re actually present enough to enjoy any of it.
Have you ever taken a big enough step back to actually look at what definition of success is driving you? Maybe you’ve always just assumed it was the top of your career path. Recognition. Family. Money. Early retirement.
What if your definition of success was simply to be happy? Would you be doing as good of a job at it as you are in your day job right now? Would you need to keep chasing something 10 out?
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
