Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
It's raining in California this week. The gentle drumming of raindrops, smell of moist asphalt, and warmth of a candle next to my laptop or steamy cup of tea in my hands... It brings me back to the little delights of being alive. The ones that don’t cost money. That don’t hinge upon “success.” That are completely outside the undisciplined pursuit of more.
Something I’ve been reflecting on quite a bit recently (yes, also in light of reading Designing Your Life), is my life’s “mission.” The thing that drives the choices I make in everything from my career to my free time, and I have to say, it never fails to be incredibly motivating every time I return to it.
In my Intentional Careering course, I have our exercises culminate into a final “career” mission statement, which serves as a guide to provide direction and inspiration, but is also flexible enough to apply to many potential roles (including the one you might currently be stuck in). I generally propose coming to one by putting together your personal strengths and unique gifts with a greater aim or goal.
But I’ve recently been taking it one level higher and more largely framing the mission of my life - a statement of intent that reflects my fundamental beliefs about the world, a framework under which my work and the rest of my life falls, and an idea that captures how I personally view the meaning of my life (for now, anyhow)…
“There are very, very, very many people in the world today who will not have had the kind of breakfast that you had. Many, many millions in the world today are hungry. It’s not your fault, but you woke up in a warm bed, you were able to have a shower, you put on clean clothes, and you are in a home that is warm in the winter.” - The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy
Puts things into perspective pretty quickly, doesn’t it? When I returned from Southeast Asia last year, everything was a blessing. The amount I wanted or “needed” diminished immensely; I was grateful simply to be born in a country where 3 meals a day and functional plumbing were conveniences we could afford to take for granted. But - not unexpectedly - over time this newfound sense of perspective faded, and keeping up with those around me started to take precedence once again.
One of the topics I found to be most valuable in our Positive Psychology class this semester was an exploration in both identifying and building on human strengths.
Most of you who have taken at least an intro psych class are likely familiar with the DSM, used as a manual for cataloging and diagnosing mental disorders as identified and defined today. However, when Martin Seligman (the “father of positive psychology”) called for the revival of the previously neglected positive aspects of the field, he and and Christopher Peterson came up with a classification of strengths and virtues to directly counterbalance the DSM’s focus on human deficits and afflictions.
We wasted no time in diving deeper into some of the central questions and themes surrounding happiness and ongoing happiness research in Week 2 of Harvard’s “The Science and Application of Positive Psychology.”
While it may sound like a simple subject, let’s start with just a couple thought starters:
Are you happy? Are you happy “enough”? Are you as happy as you want to be?
If your definition of “success” was simply to be happy, how would you be doing?
Should happiness be the main goal at all? What about the Zen idea of “transcending” happiness, rather than maximizing it?
Without the rain there’d be no rainbow, no flowers, no spring. And what an incredible reminder the thriving blossoms and brilliant colors of California’s super bloom have been of just that this year.
According to Snyder’s Hope Theory, the way we approach the roadblocks in our lives, and the way that we use “pathways thinking” - or the the ability to see multiple routes around a setback or what might sometimes feel like a brick wall - is critical to our sense of hope. While often frustrating (especially when out of our control) it is often these exact moments that usually grow us the most - when we’re required to jump just a little bit higher than we’re used to, stretch ourselves in a new area, or forge some new neural connection.
Burnout. Anxiety. Quarter life crises. These aren’t just the challenges I’ve faced over the past few years, but they’ve also been the problems that have slowly begun to define our generation. Many of us have worked tirelessly toward dream jobs only to wrap our entire identities up in our work, internalized productivity so much that compromising even our self care routine is guilt-inducing, and watched countless others “successfully” juggle side hustles, passion projects, exotic trips, and daily salt baths across social media.
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
