Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
For me it started with the "honors track." The pressure to succeed never came from my parents - in fact, every time I was offered the option of testing for GATE, signing up for my first set of honors classes, or trying out for the varsity sport, my mom called around to check if it was even the right thing to do. She didn't want me to lose my childhood. She just wanted me to be a happy kid.
One of my first and favorite book recommendations for career changers is Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans. In it, the authors take the popular Silicon Valley notion of design thinking - build, test, iterate, repeat - and show you how to apply it to the problems in your own life, be it a career transition, better work-balance, and more.
It's raining in California this week. The gentle drumming of raindrops, smell of moist asphalt, and warmth of a candle next to my laptop or steamy cup of tea in my hands... It brings me back to the little delights of being alive. The ones that don’t cost money. That don’t hinge upon “success.” That are completely outside the undisciplined pursuit of more.
One of the biggest things I do as a coach and as a therapist is hold a mirror up for my clients.
Mirrors make it possible to see some of the things we can't from our own limited point of view, and while often many of these reflections tend to be patterns and beliefs we may have previously been unaware of, I've found that one of the most consistent and significant ways I serve my clients is to mirror the unique strengths and qualities in themselves they simply seem unable to accept.
As much as we want to be as productive as we can throughout the week, the unfortunate truth is our bodies are constantly going through cycles - whether it's our daily cortisol levels, monthly hormonal levels, or simply being an unexpected space cadet after a couple hours of energy-draining work. So while we might make valiant attempts to squeeze in that side hustle after work or read something dense every night before bed, we often get there only to find we're "not in the mood”…
“If over time more and more of a person’s true values become replaced by values taken and borrowed from others but perceived to be their own, the self will become a house divided against itself. They will feel as if they do not really know who they are and what they want.”
- Calvin S. Hall & Gardner Lindzey
News flash: You don't find the perfect career. You CREATE your perfect career.
One of the biggest patterns I've picked up in my own work with clients is that most people simply accept their roles at face value. They resign themselves to what their managers tell them to do. They feel like they have to "settle" until they finally land their dream job. They never think to negotiate a role, because that's not how it works, right?
Actually, it is…
Two weeks ago I had my first group supervision as a new Marriage & Family Therapy Trainee at The Center for Professional Counseling. As we discussed each of our clients with my new supervisor - whose thick accent and provocative metaphors makes me feel like I have my very own personal Esther Perel - one of her comments regarding a client stuck with me pretty strongly: "This is a time that we all regress."
A pretty bold statement; and yet it also felt like it hit the nail exactly on the head…
Clients often come to me in the middle of a big decision: whether or not to pursue a career change, go back to school, accept a certain offer, etc.
First, I encourage you to destroy the idea that you will ever "know" with 100% certainty what you should do next, or that there is one "right" direction at all. However, there are decisions and lives that will feel more fulfilling, authentic, and satisfying than others, and there are many different ways of tapping the information and intelligence that will guide you closer to them.
We call these different ways of knowing…
Perhaps by now you're familiar with one of my favorite quotes pasted across my email signature, website and more:
"The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind." - David W. Orr.
It was an important mantra for me during a time in which I was considering the next chapter in my career, and it was one of the first times I truly recognized that to be "successful" - a quality and condition of worth we've been taught to chase our whole lives - by itself doesn't necessarily serve anything other than our own ego. As Alok, himself, asserts in his talk: "Success is about self-promotion, not putting change into motion."
A few years ago I quit my job and bought a a one-way ticket to backpack across Europe and Southeast Asia. The #1 thing I learned in my travels? Always ask a local.
When it comes to planning, I've personally always been pretty Type A - spending months on research ahead of time, digging my nose into book after book, and blocking off my schedule by the hour in attempt to to squeeze as much as I possibly could into the ten short days I got of vacation a year. But some of the best-kept secrets and memorable moments can’t be planned for. In fact, it can almost be detrimental to finalize all your planning before you reach your destination. You can end up missing out on quite a lot!
If you’re looking for a major shortcut, it’s the locals know the tourist traps from the hidden gems, the scenic routes that don't come up on the quickest route from A to B on Google Maps, and - every so often if you’re lucky - the person who can give you the most authentic history of the country or the family who can cook you the best meal and actually invite you in.
The same thing goes for your career.
Many of my clients often fear making a decision or a taking a leap because of the countless times they’ve been excited about a role or position, only to realize that the reality is not what they expected to be. But there are tons of people out doing the very things you want to do with a rich understanding of what it takes to get there, just waiting to be tapped. They'll help you understand the subtle differences between what you think a job involves on paper, and what the actual day-to-day is like. What you think you need to do to get to different points along the route toward your destination, and the connections and shortcuts that might make your life a whole lot easier. They’ll often even expose you to opportunities you may not have even considered or been aware of before!
Others of you often express feeling nervous about reaching out for informational interviews because you feel like you're taking up someone's time, you don't know enough about what they do, or it feels too "schmoozy," and so on and so on. But when you reframe networking as simply asking for directions, informational interviewing and asking others for advice is really just one more arm to a beautiful web of human connection we have to give and take from. Most people have and continue to do the exact same thing to find their own directions, and actually enjoy the opportunity to share and pay it forward. And don’t forget that one day you’ll have the opportunity to do so, too!
Finally, and most importantly, the more you approach people in your field from a genuine place of curiosity and interest - for advice rather than out of desperation - more often than you might expect they actually do end up being the ones who provide that final link to get you in. Regardless of the outcome, your career, just like your life, is one big, beautiful adventure. You have the opportunity to meet a lot of beautiful souls along the way - take it while you can.
One of the biggest things I do when helping coach people in career transitions it to help them set and keep them accountable to their goals. The first is the really big goal - I sometimes call it the "dream" - what do you want in life and what direction are you headed - which in and of itself has many steps to get to.
“Never feel guilty for taking your full lunch break, needing a mental health day, or using your vacation time. Make time for yourself now because you won’t get that time back.”
For many of us this can be just as relevant now, in the middle of a pandemic, as it is when things are "normal." If you are working from home or trying to fill your time at home, are you allowing yourself to take real breaks? Or have you let work bleed earlier and later into your mornings and evenings because you no longer have the boundaries set by your normal routine?
It can be all too easy to unconsciously define ourselves by our careers. I'm a "doctor," an "artist," a "founder," an "engineer"...
In a lot of ways our careers do reflect a lot about who we are and can give us an incredible amount of personal purpose. But at the end of the day, you are not an [insert role]. You are [insert name].
The very first journaling exercise I have people in my Intentional Careering program do is answer: Why are you where you are today?
Sounds simple right? But have you really thought deeply about it? Is where you are today a result of intentional action, or lack of action? What choices along the way did you make with the best information you had, or the best intentions you had at the time? And if you're feeling unsatisfied, why? What part of you is confused? What answers are you still looking for?
I often like to ask people I'm coaching: Which of these looks like a more interesting life when you step back at the end of it?
Because many of us have been conditioned for so long in binary and linear thinking, we hate the idea of life as a "jungle gym." We want to get to the "top" of our ladders - to that very small square inch we consider "success" - and we want to get there now…
Questioning where you're ultimately headed in your career? The ikigai is an exercise I did when trying to figure out the next direction in my own. Here’s how you can, too:
Create a Venn Diagram with 4 overlapping circles (I admit 4 is messy, so recommend using a cup to aid your artwork!) Label each circle with the following…
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
