Not sure when to stop therapy or how to bring up feedback with your therapist if it’s not working out? It’s common for clients to have a hard time talking to their therapist about things that concern therapy directly. Here, LA therapist Kim Bielak shares a few tips for having difficult conversations with your therapist, and a few things to keep in mind.
The minute people suspect a partner is cheating, they often start to investigate. They ask questions like “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” and “Why didn’t you answer my call?” These questions can often put the accused party on defense, and become frustrated or even avoid the questions all together, only further adding to their partners concern.
Whether or not you’ve been in therapy before, it can actually be quite hard to know what to expect when you start with a new therapist. In a way it’s a lot like dating (we are talking about a real relationship here). And, just like every client is unique, every therapist is also going to be a bit different from the next.
Moreover, when a new client walks through my door, I also don’t know exactly what our sessions will hold. I can’t know what unforeseen incident is going to hit an unexpected wound, the places they might not be ready to take me to for months - even years - into our work, or the parts of our work for them that will feel like a hit, and the parts that will feel like a flop…
Clients often come to me looking for a way to “get rid of” their anxiety. Even if most people know it’s not realistic to think they’ll do away with it forever, their underlying intention is to “fix” their anxiety, “overcome” their anxiety, and get themselves to a place where they won’t have to “deal” with anxiety anymore.
The truth is, you’re never going to just “get rid of” anxiety. It’s kind of like saying you can just get rid of sadness. Sadness will come and go many times in your life, and quite frankly I don’t think we’d want a life completely without it…
I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
One of the biggest things I do as a coach and as a therapist is hold a mirror up for my clients.
Mirrors make it possible to see some of the things we can't from our own limited point of view, and while often many of these reflections tend to be patterns and beliefs we may have previously been unaware of, I've found that one of the most consistent and significant ways I serve my clients is to mirror the unique strengths and qualities in themselves they simply seem unable to accept.
If I just say the words "awkward silence," can you already start to feel the subtle discomfort begin to creep up through your body? The compulsion to already devise the quickest route to escape it? The anxiety, self consciousness, and existential dread that perhaps this painful experience will never come to an end…
Two weeks ago I had my first group supervision as a new Marriage & Family Therapy Trainee at The Center for Professional Counseling. As we discussed each of our clients with my new supervisor - whose thick accent and provocative metaphors makes me feel like I have my very own personal Esther Perel - one of her comments regarding a client stuck with me pretty strongly: "This is a time that we all regress."
A pretty bold statement; and yet it also felt like it hit the nail exactly on the head…
I came across a meme that made me laugh the other day:
“How can psychology majors be depressed…bro, just look at your notes.”
In reality though, psychology students and yes, even your therapist, still have stuff they work through, and yes, even sometimes still struggle with their own mental health battles.
Did you know that a lot of goals in therapy revolve around helping people become their more "authentic selves"? In fact, the idea of self-actualization as explained by the great humanistic psychologist and theorist Carl Rogers is nothing more than "to be that self which one truly is." So while it might seem like making it to the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs is about becoming someone different, someone "better," or someone society thinks you "should" be, it's actually about a deep sense of self-understanding, authentic living, and peeling away all the layers of conditioning that have been added over time so that you can be more uniquely and authentically YOU.
Your struggle doesn’t have to be worse than someone else’s in order for it to be valid.
A lot of times we stop ourselves from feeling what we're feeling because we don't think we should be "allowed" to feel that way. We feel guilty for our emotions because "it shouldn't be a big deal," or "somebody else has it worse"…
It seems therapy has recently grown quite a bit in popularity, and you need look no further than bestselling books like Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb, shows like Couples Therapy with Dr. Orna Guralnik, or podcasts like Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel (all of which I personally recommend). Therapists have even taken over Instagram with bite-sized recommendations for managing burnout and anxiety, or gentle reminders that you are not defined by your trauma.
So, while my first quarter was not yet focused as much on treatment or applicable takeaways for the everyday person, I thought that given the newfound interest in therapy as a field I’d still share some of what I learned from the therapist-side of things in my classes this past quarter.
Kim Bielak, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #143946
(310) 734-8140 | kimbielaktherapy@gmail.com | 32 S. Raymond Ave, Suite 3B, Pasadena, CA 91105
