I was recently invited to share my thoughts on codependency on fellow therapist Marissa Esqibel’s, podcast, “The Codependummy Podcast,” based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals and couples. And it got me thinking - rarely do I use the word “codependent” when working with clients because - like many terms in the mental health field - it’s become quite heavy with pre-existing stigma and negative connotation.
And yet one of my favorite things about our conversation was the opportunity to normalize the idea of codependency - explaining how it makes sense that people often enter relationships this way, and even share some personal experiences related to codependency of my own.
You can find links to the full episode here (Spotify, Apple, Youtube), as well as read a write-up of our discussion below:
How do you understand codependency through your personal lens as a therapist?
One of my biggest philosophies as a therapist is that every issue my clients walk in with is adaptive in some way. It’s associated with a core need, and over time it became a way in which they were able to organize their world and experience in order to get that need met.
So the first thing I’m asking is: “What need are you trying to meet with this approach, and where or how did you learn that this was the best way to do it?”
Now, often, of course, we understand codependency as a tendency not to hold our needs in equal weight with others. We allow someone else’s needs to come first, or we concern ourselves with taking care of them at the expense or neglect of ourselves. But usually it’s often doing so in service of meeting a much deeper, core need, such as attachment, connection, or even survival.
From a neurobiological standpoint, we’re wired for attachment. It keeps us safe and ensures we are tended to when we are dependent on our caregivers as a child for things like food, shelter, and physical touch. But many people grew up in homes where mom or dad were experiencing issues of their own, and when our ability attach and stay connected is threatened in any way, you better bet we’re going to figure out a way to make sure that doesn’t happen.
So as an example, if you comforted mom while she was experiencing depression, you got to stay connected. Or, if you made yourself small and didn’t make dad angry, you got to stay connected. These are just a couple examples - everyone is going to have a different story, but the way I look at it is not in judgment but in awe. Wow, that you could figure out a strategy and adapt in order to stay connected before you could perhaps even talk, walk, understand what that meant is pretty incredible. The problem is, of course, it’s not fair to you and it’s not serving you now.
What are some of the ways you work with codependency as it shows up specifically in couples and relationships?
Often when we talk about codependency we focus on the individual, when it’s also really important to remember that it is always part of a dynamic. When given the right conditions, someone might not always function like this; however, they they often wind up in relationships where the pattern is reinforced by the complementary patterns of their partner because they fit each other’s current strategies of getting their needs met and that’s what they understand as “normal.”
In a codependent relationship, there is a lot of enmeshment, as both parties are dependent on one another to a certain extent. For example, if one member of the couple has more narcissistic tendencies, they are often highly dependent on their partner for their sense of self-esteem, and validation. Or, if the other member struggles with substance use, they are often dependent on their partner to take care of and clean up after them. Then, of course, the “giver” in the relationship gets their sense of self and self-worth through meeting the needs of the other, rather than cultivating these things from within.
So the primary thing I am trying to do with these kinds of couples is help them to learn to “differentiate,” which is a very specific concept in therapy that comes from Bowen Family Systems Theory. The easiest way to think about it is this:
Differentiation is the learning the balance between being able to hold onto yourself while also being in connection with another.
It’s a both/and, whereas in codependency we’re usually losing one side of the equation. For example, sacrificing yourself in order to stay in connection. That said, we also often see people overcorrect in the opposite direction. When we have a tendency to lose ourselves in relationships, we can become so protective that we no longer allow ourselves to be in true connection. We put up a wall or make the the boundaries between you and I so rigid we stop letting you in at all. So we might still consider that a form of codependency because someone is so afraid of losing themselves if they get close to someone else, they just don’t do it at all. It’s important to note that this is ok and can also be a natural part of the process in testing and understanding where the edges are. But it’s not what we ultimately want. What we want is for couples to be able to have a strong sense of individuality and autonomy while also being able to stay connected to one another.
There are many ways to help couples cultivate this stance, but below are just a few of the tactical ways that can help:
Healthy and supportive boundaries - Helping people understand that they are not responsible for their partner’s feelings, choices, and responses to them is so important. While it may be painful to watch your partner suffer, you can help, but you ultimately have to let your partner’s problems be their problems, otherwise you are enabling. There’s a great story I find helpful in explaining this here here.
Individual autonomy - It’s not uncommon for codependent relationships to be very insular, so I often really encourage each member to build and strengthen their own social support, hobbies, interests, etc. The more you are able to build touchpoints outside the relationship, the more you are able to have two feet firmly planted when choosing to be in connection within.
Individual therapy - Of course, I am also often suggesting that members of a couple are also pursuing individual therapy. It can be really helpful for each person to have a separate and dedicated space to start paying more attention to their own needs beyond just the needs of the relationship.
The last thing I will say is that if your relationship is conditioned by your partner’s problems getting “fixed” or by you always making sure they’re managed, then you may be in the wrong relationship. You have to get comfortable tolerating that you can’t “fix” and you can’t “save” someone else. You enter a relationship with someone as they are, and respecting their choice to stay that way. If you think about it, even if your intentions are only well-meaning, you’re also robbing not only yourself of your own autonomy and personhood, but you’re not respecting your partner’s autonomy and personhood. What does it actually mean to say, “they need me” in order to be ok? Boundaries respect respect both of you.
What suggestions do you have for people feeling like they're in a codependent dynamic?
In addition to some of the boundaries mentioned above, a few ways I immediately encourage clients to build up a sense of their own self and worth:
Have compassion for yourself. It can be so easy when we start to recognize we might have a problem to fall into self-judgement, especially when similar messages are being communicated by others around you. But as we’ve explored above, you’re just doing what you at one point learned you needed to do. You want to be loved, you want to be connected, and you probably even want to help just like every other human on this planet. You’re not wrong or bad for these things. There are just better ways to get these needs met you’re now being introduced to.
Focus on your relationship with yourself. Tending to yourself is probably something that has been neglected for quite some time, so make some space to get to know yourself more - What it is that you want? What is it that you need? What is it that brings you joy when you’re not taking care of others? Another beautiful way to more deeply cultivate a sense of connection to yourself is to simply sit with yourself. So often we do everything we can to avoid feeling alone. But you also might start to find that we don’t always have to conflate being alone with feeling lonely. Maybe it’s something we’re just really unfamiliar with feeling, but the more we do it, the more we can start to learn to just be with ourselves. Not having to escape it - not having to self-abandon.
Seek out support. As mentioned above, becoming somewhat isolated in a codependent relationship can happen without you even realizing it, especially when friends and family might disapprove or push you away. But it’s vital to prioritize and maintain your outside relationships to strengthen your sense of grounding and esteem in more places than just your partner. Working with a therapist can also be a great way to uncover some of the patterns going on in your relationships or process the roots of where they may stem from.
Re-evaluate the way you think about relationships. Part of this is of course the idea of equal balance we’ve talked about earlier. Your needs - however different from your partner’s - still need to be valued and held on par. But I think there’s often another factor at play here, and that’s that we often overlook that we’re experiencing one-sidedness in a relationship because we’re actually much more often focused on the person we’re with than how we feel or the relationship itself. If you think about it, most of the messages we get throughout our lives have to do with finding “the one,” making a list of the specific qualities you want to manifest in a partner, etc. So we meet someone who is smart and funny, who we have a lot in common with and who we’re wildly attracted to and we assume that’s the right person for us so we enter a relationship and do what we can to make it work. Very few of the messages we get focus on what we should be looking out for in a relationship - things like mutual respect; feeling loved, secure, chosen; compromising and working through conflict without making each other feel small. When we just focus on the person, we stay because we are attached to the person. But as a culture I think we need to start doing a way better job of educating and seeking out the most important things that make a healthy relationship.
I’ll end with a quote a friend once shared with me - and from one of my favorite books:
Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
-Khalil Gibran
